Saturday, March 28, 2015

Spring has Sprung

Spring has Sprung


“Spring has sprung.

 The grass is riz.

I wonder where the birdies is.”

 Remember that little sayin’? Well it’s that time o’ year again. For the last month or so I been getting’ pressure from the missus to get at fixin’ up the balcony for the summer view. Well, it’s about a week into spring now accordin’ to the calendar, an’ it’s gettin’ colder an’ more miserable every day. But that’s about normal. How many times hasn’t it snowed on the May long weekend for heaven’s sakes?

Yet the urge to do the spring cleaning and garden preparation is an unstoppable force threatening to seriously expand my to do list. Funny how the missus has all them ideas for spring an’ I’m the one who gets to do ‘em all. I guess you’d call that a re-allocation of the force of nature. Well, it’s natural for her to force me to do all them things . . . . her way. An’ it’s natural for me not to show any great amount of resistance, or enthusiasm, or leadership for that matter. You learn about that after a while in this kind of arrangement.

Me, I like spring as much as anybody else. It’s just that I like it when it arrives an’ not when I wish it would arrive. There’s a distinct difference ya know. That way it stays for more’n a day or two before it snows again. I don’t know how many times I planted my garden just to encounter frost on my tomatoes the next day, or to find an inch o’ snow on my fresh peas or tender lettuce.

We should really just take a step back an’ let nature take it’s own course, trundling into our lives when it’s gol darned good an’ ready to, rather than force it’s entry before it’s really here. Even the Canada geese know enough to send out scouts to check the weather before they leave their comfortable surroundin’s for the great white north. I for one am not ready to admit to bein’ dumber’n a goose an’ will find somethin’ to do while I wait for warm weather. That appears a whole lot smarter to me than turnin’ up the pressure on somethin’ what ain’t gonna do anythin’ it don’t want to do. At least that’s how it seems to me from up here on the top shelf.

Just sayin’.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Ghosts in our House

Ghosts in our House


I haven’t believed in ghosts since I was seven years old. No really, REALLY I haven’t. That is to say, I haven’t believed in ghosts until recently. But I’m startin’ to have some sneaky suspicions about their very existence. No, no, I haven’t lost my marbles. I still got the whole bag full. But there’s weird things goin’ on round our house these days. I think some o’ them buggers musta moved in to our place. They seem to be hidin’ in the mirrors, I noticed. At least that’s the only place I see ‘em walkin’ by. I hunted ‘em in the closets, under the bed an’ the furniture, but couldn’t find ‘em or any tell-tale signs o’ them havin’ been there.

For all I know, these ghosts (I don’t know how many there are) have been around forever. I just never noticed ‘em before. But lately they been appearin’ more an’ more often, an’ always in a mirror. Soon as they get past it, they become invisible again. I know ‘cause we got mirrors all over the place – in the bedroom, in the hall an’ in the bathroom. It’s got so I don’t even look in the mirror no more, an’ yet, I see ‘em outa the corner of my eye.

For the longest time I didn’t say nothin’ to the missus about it, thinkin’ it was just a part o’ my imagination. I didn’t want to look like an idiot in her eyes. Finally I couldn’t stand it no more so I sat down with her to have a chat about it. She obviously didn’t want to talk about it. “Idiot” was all she would say. I hate them one word answers. You just don’t get any chance for serious dissertations. Well, I let it go, thinkin’ she must be in denial. Either she don’t see them ghosts, or she’s afraid to acknowledge their existence. Could be either one  o’ them reasons since she just went an’ got her eyes tested.

Well I ain’t gonna admit that they scare the pants off me, at least not out loud, just in case they can hear too. I wouldn’t want ‘em to get the upper hand. But I’m here to tell you, they are spooky. I sure wish the missus could see ‘em too. She’d get an awful surprise. There might be only just one although I seen him the other day in my side mirror in the car. He’s a really old, sad guy, all stooped over, gray an’ wrinkled. He looks a lot like I’m gonna look someday when I get a lot older. But that’s quite a ways down the road. There’s no way I feel that decrepit or even look like that poor broken down ol’ geyser. At least that’s how it seems to me from up here on the top shelf.

Just sayin’.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Canadian Public Safety

Canadian Public Safety


There’s a new poll goin’ around askin’ do we feel safe here in Canada what with all that terrorism an’ terrorism threats goin on. Most folks say naw we ain’t worried, but some say they are an’ so they should be. Me, I’m worried about goin’ to the bathroom in case I fall in the tub an’ break some body parts, But that’s got nothin’ to do with terrorism unless you consider the missus yellin’ at me to be careful as bein’ a terrorist threat.

I’ll tell ya though, the conversation, ‘specially around the newsrooms is gettin’ stupider an’ stupider. Ain’t anybody ever thought about cause an’ effect? That Ottawa shooter explained it pretty well in the video he made before he done his attack. Did anybody listen? No, of course not. They just glossed over it like a steam iron over my Sunday-best shirt.

Jeez Louise, we’re at war don’t ya know? We’re over there in the Meddle East bombin’ the begeebers outta their military capabilities. That’s gotta cause some human casualties. Somebody’s sons an’ daughters are gettin’ killed. Just because they’re “The Enemy” don’t mean that there ain’t human people operatin’ their guns an’ stuff. An’ don’t tell me that some of our fire don’t spill over into civilian casualties neither.

So I don’t get why we’re so offended an’ shocked when they, by whatever means, come over here an do some reciprocal damage. An eye for an eye as it were, more or less. Far as I can see, they’re comin’ over here to get us cause we’re goin’ over there gettin’ them, an’ we been goin’ over there gettin’ them since the crusades. So whatta ya expect anyways?

Well, they do know where Ottawa is. They proved that. What they seem to be confused about is where them war-mongering MPs hang out. So they do to us what we do to them. They attack all the people who don’t even count or give a rip about the state of affairs in the relative governments. But maybe we can move to correct that. Maybe instead o’ usin’ ordinary people as pawns in their games o’ war, they might man up an hand out their own home addresses an’ leave us alone.

Do we feel safe in the face of this new terrorism? Maybe a more relevant question oughta be: Do we feel safe with the actions of our governments? At least that’s how it seems to me from up here on the top shelf.

Just sayin’.


Saturday, March 7, 2015

The Meddle East

The “Meddle” East


Geographically it’s called the Middle East. Politically it’s definitely the “Meddle” East. I started to do some reading yesterday about modern day Israel. HOLY CRACKERS! Talk about yer meddlin’! There must be some sort of social magnet in that useless piece o’ real estate, the way people go stickin’ their collective noses into it all the time. Even before the Crusades there was a constant bickerin’ over territory.

An’ then the pope got involved. He was apparently the crusades Head Honcho, sendin’ out the Spaniards and the French and so on to visit the Holy Sepulcher an layin’ claims to this that an’ the other. There was somethin’ like seven Crusades in all, each from different factions an’ all havin’ the papal seal on ‘em. So that’s how long them Europeans have been meddlin’ in the Meddle East.

Well come the turn of this last century the Empire buildin’ Brits moved in an usurped the pope, dividin’ up this piece an’ that, makin’ new borders an boundaries, completely oblivious to tribal lands, customs an’ jurisdictions. There’d been a move afoot for some time with Jews fleein’ from Russia to resettle in Israel (wherever that is). So now they needed a place to put all them buggers. An’ the Brits arranged to shift the Palestinians over to make room for all them displaced Israelites. Well, if that wasn’t the start of an uproar. The Palestinians was none too impressed with the arrangement an’ neither was the Egyptians an’ so they had a coupla wars over it. Of course, they got to bickerin’ over the Suez Canal too while they was at it. It seems the Egyptians didn’t want shipping to go into or outta Israel. I think that’s what led to the six day war. Then of course you got yer United Nations involved of which the U.S. was a part an’ that’s how THEY got into the fray. I remember ol’ Yasser Arafat comin’ to the United Nations offering up a gun in one hand an’ an olive branch in the other. The United Nations could choose which one they wanted.

Then there’s Syria, Afghanistan, Kuwait, Libya, Iran an’ Iraq. An’ the U.S. has been involved with every one o’ them, some with boots on the ground but mainly as arms suppliers. Them an’ the Brits an’ the French or any other European country got no danged idea of any o’ these cultures an’ figure they can draw borders anywheres they want an’ it’ll all be copasetic. They even had Colonel Laurence runnin’ around promisin’ the Bedouins that things would be right an’ then hung him out to dry when they was finished with him. Since the Americans took over the power when the French an’ English had thrown up their hands in exasperation, they ain’t displayed any modicum o’ common sense neither, electin’ to trade guns for oil as their stock in trade an imposin’ American values on these ancient tribes. They’re about as dumb as the rest o’ them. If you doubt that, just look at the mess goin’ on over there right now. I’ve said it before an’ I’ll say it again: pick up yer marbles an’ go home. Let them middle easterners do their own killin’ of each other. They got enough experience at it. In ten years time, you can send in Remax Real Estate an’ build a bunch o’ condominiums. At least that’s how it seems to me from up here on the top shelf.

Just sayin’.