Saturday, February 18, 2017

Oh God - Part Five

Part Five
Well you can bet you’re bottom dollar that Schwartz would be surprised by the invitation. He saw it as an opportunity to lord it over us (forgettin’ that I AM the Lord in the first place), so he accepted the invitation. He even joined us in askin’ a blessin’ for the food at the table although he balked a little at the “fellowship o’ those around it”. We soon dispelled that with the laughter and banter around the table, a lot of it includin’ him as a new family member.
About the time dessert was finished an’ everyone was feelin’ well satisfied I decided to start the purpose of the meetin’ off. “Schwartz,” I said, “the world has gotten itself into a very dangerous situation. It’s on the brink of destroyin’ itself, an’ I don’t think anybody wants that. We got one chance to rectify that. One chance! ‘Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us’. With that I want to say welcome to our family. You are one of us as we also are of you. That way we can discuss all our differing opinions and by the end of our discussions we can come to a consensus. If that’s not possible, we can hold it over until the next meeting.”
“It seems a little iffy to me,” said Schwartz suspiciously.
“In your vernacular, LOL to us with that,” I said
“WHAT?” said Schwartz.
“LOL – Lots of Luck!”

“Oy,” said Schwartz. “You don’t understand the acronyms. LOL means ‘laughed out loud.’”

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Fantasy in a Wine Glass

Fantasy in a Wine Glass
Is it old age creeping up? Is it perhaps an over-active imagination, or is it perhaps the magic of the wine glass? I don’t know, but something strange is going on. Whatever it is gives me the shivers.
Well, I was thinking of doing some clay modelling, something I hadn’t done in a while and since the Missus’ birthday was coming up, I thought I’d make her a wine glass to celebrate her birthday with. So I put together a number of little Styrofoam balls for a stem and a bigger one at the top for the bowl and a medium one at the bottom for the base. Well I’d done some experimenting with the Styrofoam and found that it melted right down when I baked the clay, so it would be perfect.
Wrapping just the right amount of clay around the Styrofoam and smoothing it around until it was just about right I set it in the oven to bake. When it finally came out of the oven and cooled off - it was crooked! Not only that, but the stem was too fat. Nothing in the world would straighten the stem out. It was just not going to be a wine glass - - - - but - - - - it could be a trophy cup – a loving cup. Yeah, that’s it – a loving cup! So I carefully measured and made two identical handles and baked them too, gluing them onto the (now) loving cup. Well it wasn’t too neat, but I can sand them down I guess.
Once everything dries properly, I take it in hand to begin the sanding process and suddenly I can’t believe my eyes. This is no loving cup! What I’m holding in my hand is a statue of an indigenous woman carrying a basket of something on her head for heaven’s sake! The Missus agrees. That’s exactly what it looks like! (she says).
So now I’m wondering what spirit is behind all this. Is it the wine missing from the original goblet, or the glass complaining that it turned out crooked. By the time I get finished painting the blessed thing, who knows what it will be? I guess I’ll just call it creative art and let it go at that, but it begs the question: am I the artist who created the piece, or just the messenger of what the piece wanted to say? You often hear that from stone cutters and wood carvers.


Saturday, February 4, 2017

Oh God - Part Four

Part Four
Well, there ain’t no use cryin over spilt milk. I can think of a lot o’ things I could’a done better. When I made man’s brain bigger, I didn’t take his predatory nature into account. Him an’ the wolf used to walk around the world namin’ all the animals. They was friends at the time. Next thing I know, man is goin’ around killin’ all the wolves ‘cause he figures they’re pests. Go figure. An’ then he gets in there an’ kills all the other critters. That was different of course ‘cause they needed the food. But they didn’t know when to stop! They went way overboard until it became nothin’ more’n sport. It wasn’t long before everything was more or less hunted to extinction an’ people began to realize that once it was done, hunters would no longer come an’ pay big money to hunt no more ‘cause there wasn’t nothin’ left to hunt.
Well, would you believe it, but it was Schwartz who put together a promotional package to bring it tourists to come an’ just look at these unique and giant animals instead o’ killin them. They got together to sit around a table like the one I just smashed to smithereens an’ he pitched them the benefits of a sustaining tourism business. It was a good idea at the time an’ they all bought in. Of course, humans bein’ what they are were soon competin’ with one another for the tourism dollars. They should’a kept up their family dinners, but they got on their feet a bit an’ first thing ya know they was back at the ‘us an’ them’ business.

The thing I wanna emphasise is that Schwartz, even though he was moonlightin’ from his job at Satan’s place, set an example of how humanity should behave. So even though he’s on the other side, he’s not all that different from us. An’ that’s why we should welcome him to our table an’ treat him as part of our family. Remember when you asked me to, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”? That was no joke. That’s exactly what we gotta do an’ I’ll do it too. I strongly suggest you adopt that same philosophy. I know he’ll be suspicious to start but if we demonstrate to him that we are sincerely serious, he’ll come around to the idea that we are all the same. It’s the only way to eliminate the “Us and Them” an’ replace it with we, the family.

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Oh God - Part Three

Part Three
“First of all, we need to clean up the mess I made. It really needs to be spotless. Jesus, you used to be a pretty classy carpenter. You can make a new table – but none outa cedar or gopher wood. I want that black ironwood from Vietnam. It’s gotta be smooth an’ shiny an’ black so you can see yer face in it. But don’t say nothin’ to yer mother. She gets hold o’ that Nellie Van de Goor an you’ll have them complainin’ about nepotism. I don’t need another lecture on how to conduct my business right now. Just keep it under yer hat ‘til it gets done.”
It seemed that God was regaining his dignified demeanor somewhat. Not that he apologized for the mess he’d made in the room, but he seemed to be developin’ a plan of action, judgin’ by the determined glint in his eye. “Family,” he said. “That’s where it all starts. I sure screwed that up right from the start. Well, what’s done is done, but we can fix that.  That’s why we gotta clean up this room in pristine fashion. From now on, this room will no longer be the boardroom, but a family /dinin’ room. This is where we’ll sit and share a meal an’ talk about things important to each of us. What we will do here is say what we gotta say, an’ listen to what others got to say. Then we’ll discuss ways we can come together on our differences – respectfully.

“The first thing we’ll do is to pull off that Tower of Babel stunt as soon as we meet again. If they didn’t learn the lesson first time, they’ll maybe get it the second turn around. That’ll take care of the acronym business once an’ for all. It should provide some good entertainment while we’re at it. Secondly, we’ll invite Schwartz to dinner an’ make him welcome as part of our family. I know that’ll be hard for you folks cause you’re as bull headed as he is, but you gotta try – no, not try but actually succeed. Remember, I said “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us”. I wasn’t kiddin’ about that. Of course, it ain’t gonna be easy, but we gotta somehow et rid o’ that “us an’ them” attitude. That started right back there in the Garden of Eden an it’s high time it got sorted out. I should’a never kicked them out’s the garden where I could’a kept a closer eye on ‘em. Maybe I should’a provided a dinner table for ‘em to sit an’ eat an’ discuss things. They was so combative right from the get go, we could’a had a better outcome if we’d had a reasonable conversation ahead o’ events rather than after the fact.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Oh God - Part Two

Oh my God -Part Two
Peter glanced over at his partner, Paul and got no encouragement. This was definitely not going to be a good day. “ P. R. is an abbreviation for Public Relations and Millenials are people born around the turn of the century,” Peter replied obediently, hoping to appease the Lord with a direct answer. Well THAT was a bust too.
“And,” continued the Lord. “what’s an LGBTQ an’ how’dya pronounce that?” It was gettin’ very warm in the boardroom. Peter didn’t know what to say or who to pin the dilemma on.
“Well you see,” he sputtered, “it’s an acronym for all the groups o’ people who feel they have no voice, but they want to be heard an’ they ain’t havin’ any luck. There’s just too many o’ the rulin’ class yelling out their own agendas. It’s just a total mess. So we hired a promoter to develop a means that this could happen. What he’s doin’ is takin’ the first letter of each group and amalgamatin’ them into an anagram that every one will recognize, thus givin’ them a voice that everybody will recognize. That way people will know who’s talkin’ an’ perhaps pay some attention.”
Peter was just startin’ to feel a little vindicated when God asked, “Who is this promoter an’ where did he come from?”
“Well, he’s sort of on loan from – from – you know. His name is Schwartz an’ he’s really good at this stuff.”
“Schwartz? Schwartz? You mean the Schwartz that promoted buildin’ the Tower of Babel?” Thundered God as he slammed his fist down on the long oak table, smashin’ it into a million tiny splinters. “Jesus!” he roared.
Jesus of course was sittin’ in the boardroom. “Good one dad,” he chuckled. “I done that a couple’a thousand years ago at the walls o’ the temple. It sure got their attention at that time too. But slowly the greed for money took over again an’ we’re right back to square one.”
“I Damn it!” God muttered under his breath. He would have said ‘God Damn it’ but since he was God, this was more appropriate.  “Them people are always tryin’ to take over the world -my world. Well, they’re gonna get a big surprise when they find out what they’re up against. Especially Schwartz. I can see now he’s nothin’ more than an agent of Lucifer. He can lead them astray all he wants, but me, he can’t confuse.
“Even when I drowned all them critters durin’ the great flood, I was good enough to preserve two of each to start all over again. Then when I froze the earth, I left just enough room for some who could withstand it to be able to survive. An’ still they persist in tryin’ to unlock the secrets of my world. Biggest mistake I ever made was to give them dominion over all creation. They got the idea that they could also have dominion over me as well. Hah! That’ll be the frosty Friday!

“Listen you bunch, we gotta get things sorted out once an’ for all. We’re all family here an’ as such we gotta stick together, come hell or high water. Here’s what we’re gonna do:

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Oh God - Part One

Oh My God!
Part One
It all started with a conversation me an’ the Missus was havin’ early one mornin’ at breakfast. We was watchin’ the news an’ somebody had died, leavin’ a bunch o’ tweets sendin’ condolences to the family. Them things was readin’ stuff like: ‘he’s at peace’ or: ‘he’s in a better place’ – stuff like that. It didn’t impress the Missus all that much. Well, she was talkin’ about the souls of the dead, not their bodies. Bein’ raised a strict Roman Catholic, she’s developed a few jaded ideas about the subject over time.
I, on the other hand have had some experience with ‘the other side’ after the passing of old Walter Bergen at the age of ninety- eight and also my late mother-in-law. It could have been just my imagination, or I might just have had a real glimpse of what goes on in heaven and hell.
What, of all things that caught my attention was a piece of the Lord’s Prayer that says; ‘Thy kingdom come. Thy Will be done on earth as it is in Heaven’.  The first thing that came to mind was thanks givin’ dinner. Well, you’da said the same thing if you had been at the last full board meetin’ in heaven. Things ain’t no different up there than down here on earth. This particular year-end meetin’ was an important one in which God hisself would preside. He didn’t fool around neither. He got right down to business.
“We seem to have some strange language goin’ on round here,” he boomed in his thunderous voice. “What kind o’ words are you folks mutterin’ in yer conversation these days?”
“We’re just keepin up with the younger generation boss,” said St. Peter. “That’s how they talk these days.”
“Aw, Crap!” said the Lord. “Not again. Who’s behind this anyways?”
“Well, our P. R. department thought they’d get ahead of the curve an’ do a pilot project for future use by the Millenials,” answered Peter.
God had a perplexed countenance about him. He leveled his eyes directly on St. Peter. “What, pray tell, is a P. R. department and who the H. E. double hockey sticks are Millenials?”

Saturday, December 31, 2016


To the followers of my Blogs

Following the Lord's Prayer, the statement that says;'Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven' struck a chord with me and I wondered if that in fact is the case. Well, my imagination went to work and put my pen in gear to the point where I couldn't stop in time.

That said, I have to finish what I started so you'll have to wait for a few days for me to finish my rant.

Thank you all for following, and good wishes for the new year!