Saturday, April 22, 2017

Oh God - Part Fourteen

Oh God – Part Fourteen
“They are so set in their ways and so attached to their ideas that they are prepared to overcome judgment day altogether. Their opinions are set to overrule anything I might confer upon them. It’s the usual; ‘We’ll deal with it when it comes up’ attitude’.
“You’ll judge them too?” asked Schwartz
“Absolutely. Every last one o’ them.”
“How about me?”
“Yep, you too.”
“HOLY CRAP!” Schwartz yelled suddenly, realizing that he too was under scrutiny. “How’m I doin’ so far?”
“Don’t push it Schwartz. You know very well what the rules of life are. You have to choose what course you want to pursue. I won’t do that for you.”
“Figures,” grumbled Schwartz.
“In fact”, continued God, “I was a bit worried about people taking over the universe, but I see now that they’ll never get there, so I won’t even put my plans into action. Let the chips fall where they may.”
“Maybe you could explain that to me,” said Schwartz.
“Easy,” answered God. “Firstly, they’re so busy makin’ up a new language using acronyms, they themselves don’t understand the language, not that it makes any difference since they’re so busy yellin’ at one another, nobody’s got time to listen to anybody but themselves. Secondly and more importantly, they’re busy tryin’ new things an’ doin’ new stuff with every aspect of my green earth an’ they don’t take account of how it was made in the first place.”
“How does that affect anythin’” Schwartz asked.
“Manipulation of one part directly affects the reaction of another,” God explained patiently. “It’s like cause and effect – well in fact, it is cause and effect. You know, if a man speaks in the middle of a forest where no one can hear – is he still wrong?” God chuckled at his own joke. “Of course he is. Just ask his wife.”
“Huh?”

“Well that’s a bad example, but it serves to highlight what really happens. If I tell a funny story, you smile.  If a man drives his car, the carbon emissions create clouds of carbon monoxide in the sky and pollute the atmosphere. If you clear cut a forest, the ground becomes unstable, causin’ landslides. Misuse of water supplies causes the dryin’ – up o’ lakes an’ rivers. I could go on an’ on.”

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Oh God - Part Thirteen

Oh God = Part Thirteen
“It is really nice Schwartz,” commented God rather deliberately, “that you and I can sit here at the dinner table and casually discuss all the world’s problems in a friendly and relaxed manner without rancor or blame. Best thing I ever did was to make this family dinner table. It’s a good job Jesus was such a good carpenter. He put a lot more in it than just wood.”
Schwartz could feel it too. There was a genuine warmth around the table, inviting friendship and a sense of belonging. He’d never felt that at Satan’s place. Oh, there was lots of partying, screaming and yelling going on but somehow it felt cold. It was like everyone was trumpeting their own importance, trying to outdo the others. Well you couldn’t blame them. It was the only way to get ahead. You had to trumpet your own importance louder and more often than anybody else. What was that saying: ‘The squeaky wheel gets the grease’? Of course, they didn’t have to do that any more but they were so accustomed to it, they couldn’t quit. The noise and chaos was enough to give even Schwartz a supreme headache.  Sitting here with God and the others was enough to cause him to want to abandon his former boss. “Whatever happened to Purgatory for those people in hell? Aren’t they supposed to be asleep?” said Schwartz.
“They had a choice. They could either go to sleep until judgment day, or carry on with their antics. They are obviously beyond redemption, come judgment day.”
“Oh,” commented Schwartz. “How did I get here then?
“You’ll notice that this is a pretty big table. It’s almost endless. There are some pretty big sinners sitting at it who thought they’d try out our side of things and have come to prefer it. But you are a special project of Satan’s. He sent you here to disrupt my concerns about human behaviour. He’s such a jackass that it never occurred to him you might prefer the sanctity of a dinner table where family and reason prevail, much as some of the others.”
Schwartz looked around and sure enough the table seemed almost endless. The multitude of people around it was varied. They certainly weren’t all angels, that was for sure. Yet they were all comfortably conversing with one another, thoroughly at home in this environment. “So, what’s with the people partying an’ dancin’ an’ yellin’ their stupid heads off in hell? What about them?” he pondered almost absently.
“Oh, those are people who sold their souls to the devil. They bypassed purgatory altogether and went straight to hell. There’s not much chance for them to be ransomed outa there.”

“Hm,” said Schwartz.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Oh God - Part 12

Oh God – Part Twelve

“It gets right back to humans tryin’ to figure out the secrets of my universe so they can go do it themselves. I know exactly what they’re up to. Once they think they’ve completed the task, they’ll proclaim themselves as masters of the universe having dominion over me as well, which means you and Satan too.”
“Oh my God, I never thought o’ that!”, exclaimed Schwartz.
“Well you see what will happen if it gets into the wrong hands,” continued God. “Them lawyers an’ engineers an’ architects are all on the same page, it seems. Some economics professor talked them into believin’ that they must operate on an adversarial system; said it was the best way to get the most outa the least. What do you think o’ that?”
“I think that’s a good theory. That way everybody gets to submit their arguments and the one that can be best defended wins the day.”
“When you think about it, one wins the day an’ all the others lose it. How good do you think that’ll go over? If you ask me, it’ll still be adversarial.”
“But they’ll have to live with it, won’t they?” said Schwartz.
“Ha ha ha,” laughed God in a loud guffaw.

Schwartz had to smile. He knew that God was right. He was always right. He was after all. . . . God.

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Oh God - Part Eleven

Oh God – Part Eleven
“I think it started with Noah buildin’ that big boat. There was so much fuss an’ bother with it, everybody squealin’ this an’ that, advisin’ him this way an the other, I guess it somehow stuck with the people on board. Them daughters o’ his was no angels neither ya know. They probably took them sounds an’ started yappin’ away until it became a language. Well once ya get that far, their ain’t no end in site.”
“I heard that!” boomed  the alto voice from the kitchen.
“See what I mean?” commented God.
“Mm,” grunted Schwartz.
“What would you think,” asked God, “if I took them right back to the time when they were all mute, couldn’t make a sound?”
“Human kind would never survive!”
“Oh, they could – they did in fact. Only they got lazy when they found they could make noises, an have been workin on it ever since. That’s not how I intended it. I thought I made it clear in the Tower of Babel incident. But obviously, they were so fixated on sayin’ words, they just wouldn’t shut up. Now they’ve run outa words so they start makin’ stuff up, like acronyms. That won’t do Schwartz, it just won’t do!”
“I wouldn’t worry about it God,” said Schwartz casually, “they’ll figure it out. If anything, people are pretty smart at getting’ to where they want.”
“Now you’ve hit the nail on the head Schwartz!” replied God. “They’ll keep at it ‘til they can get back to figurin’ out the universe.”

What’s wrong with that?” Schwartz wanted to know.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Oh God - Part Ten

Oh God – Part Ten
“Basically,” said God in a friendly manner, “one of the reasons I invited you into the family was over communication. It’s a very important function of humanity as you see here. I mean. How wonderful has it been to have you among us at our dinner table? We talked and joked and had a wonderful time, didn’t we?”
“I’ve got to admit, that’s true,” said Schwartz, still somewhat hesitant. “I feel totally at home an’ welcome here. I don’t even mind that old lady that keeps barkin’ at us if we cuss a little. Where’d you get her from anyways?”
“She’s kind of an accident like you are to Satan,” smiled God. “Its her ornery husband that keeps passin’ up an’ down between here an’ there ‘cause nobody wants him around to make trouble. So, she stays here an’ keeps Mary company.
“Actually, that leads me to the topic I wanted to discuss – language.” Said God. “It’s language that has lead humans into trouble every time. They’re either inventin’ new words an’ givin’ them new meanings, or sayin’ them in such a way as to mean somethin’ else. It’s an endless litany of excuses they use to justify the words they say an it’s drivin’ me nuts! My original idea was the best one. When the world was new, every one understood the other, yet there wasn’t a sound made. It was so quiet an’ peaceful then. A family could gather around the diner table an’ communicate in complete silence. Even the animals that came around signalled their needs with their body language an’ the humans all understood. It was so peaceful an’ quiet then when every body lived in harmony.”
“Well so how did the people learn to make noise an’ speak?” Schwartz wanted to know.


Saturday, March 18, 2017

Oh God = Part Nine

Oh God - Part Nine
“Did ya ever hear of a place called Purgatory” asked God, half joking.
“That’s a hotel ain’t it? It’s a place where you can sleep quietly for as long as ya want an’ nobody will bother ya. Sounds like a good spot after a busy life.”
“That’s only a temporary respite. After all, my souls need a good nap after havin’ lived their lives, before I judge their performance while they were on earth.”
“WHAT? Are you kiddin’ me? YOU get to judge them all?” The total shock of this caused Schwartz’ outburst.
“I do.”
“What does Satan have to say about that?”
God smiled knowingly. “There’s not much he can say is there? After all, I’m the one who created heaven and earth. Oh, he does a lot of screamin’ an’ yellin’ but really, it amounts to a hill o’ beans. He just does that to be a thorn in my side.”
“Holy crap!” Schwartz exploded. “That’s not what he said to me!” He was waiting for the voice in the kitchen but she obviously didn’t hear him or that didn’t count as a cuss word because it never came. Well, the news was out now – no question. Schwartz had got so excited that he just blurted out that he was an agent of the devil, so he figured the jig was up now.
Quite the contrary, God smiled warmly and told him how happy he was to have Schwartz in the family. It gave them the opportunity to get to know one another more intimately and air each other’s concerns.  

“You first,” said Schwartz, anxious to find what direction this was goin’ before commitin’ hisself.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Oh God - Part Eight

Oh God - Part Eight
Dinner proceeded jovially enough with casual conversation between mouthfuls. To all intents and purposes, it was a friendly family dinner. Well, except I noticed that Schwartz was a little more than uneasy. I knew he recognized the voice from the kitchen and that was cause for concern for him. That was the wife of old Nard Harks who was swinging between Hell an’ here like a yoyo because nobody wanted to deal with him. I was reluctantly feelin’ a little easier havin’ her on my team for once. If nothing else, she was bringing civility to the conversation. It was a perfect segue into my intended talk.
“If we aren’t goin’ to be civil in our language up here, how is anyone in the real world down there goin to learn civility?” I wanted to know. “Don’t you practice it down there in hell?”
“Oh, hell no,” was the reply.
“I heard that!” said the alto voice.
“Down there we say whatever we want, however it comes out. It’s called free speech. It’s everyone’s right!”
“That’s an interestin’ concept. Doesn’t that lead to hateful attitudes and conflict?”
“Of course, it does! That’s the whole idea! Let the offended parties defend themselves. Whoever is strongest will survive.” Schwartz was feeling confident now. He was makin’ some pretty good points in his (the devil’s) arguments. “It’d been like that ever since there was enough people around to be livin’ apart from one another. Not only that, but it was good business for hell, we was crankin’ them in like nobody’s business. It’s sort of like natural evolution, you know - survival of the fittest.” Schwartz realized too late that he’d overplayed his hand.
“Do the math,” said God, ignoring Schwartz’ mistake. “You’ll find it’s counter productive.”
“How so?” Schwartz wanted to know.
“Instead of supportin’ one another in their quest, they’re competin’ until there is only one left standin’.” Said God. “How’re ya gonna keep the population goin’ with only one person left? Ha - that reminds me of a human joke that wouldn’t be civil to repeat here.”

“Yeah, I know that one. I’m the one who made it up.”