Oh God - Part Ten

Oh God – Part Ten

“Basically,” said God in a friendly manner, “one of the reasons I invited you into the family was over communication. It’s a very important function of humanity as you see here. I mean. How wonderful has it been to have you among us at our dinner table? We talked and joked and had a wonderful time, didn’t we?”

“I’ve got to admit, that’s true,” said Schwartz, still somewhat hesitant. “I feel totally at home an’ welcome here. I don’t even mind that old lady that keeps barkin’ at us if we cuss a little. Where’d you get her from anyways?”

“She’s kind of an accident like you are to Satan,” smiled God. “Its her ornery husband that keeps passin’ up an’ down between here an’ there ‘cause nobody wants him around to make trouble. So, she stays here an’ keeps Mary company.

“Actually, that leads me to the topic I wanted to discuss – language.” Said God. “It’s language that has lead humans into trouble every time. They’re either inventin’ new words an’ givin’ them new meanings, or sayin’ them in such a way as to mean somethin’ else. It’s an endless litany of excuses they use to justify the words they say an it’s drivin’ me nuts! My original idea was the best one. When the world was new, every one understood the other, yet there wasn’t a sound made. It was so quiet an’ peaceful then. A family could gather around the diner table an’ communicate in complete silence. Even the animals that came around signalled their needs with their body language an’ the humans all understood. It was so peaceful an’ quiet then when every body lived in harmony.”

“Well so how did the people learn to make noise an’ speak?” Schwartz wanted to know.

Oh God = Part Nine

Oh God - Part Nine

“Did ya ever hear of a place called Purgatory” asked God, half joking.

“That’s a hotel ain’t it? It’s a place where you can sleep quietly for as long as ya want an’ nobody will bother ya. Sounds like a good spot after a busy life.”

“That’s only a temporary respite. After all, my souls need a good nap after havin’ lived their lives, before I judge their performance while they were on earth.”

“WHAT? Are you kiddin’ me? YOU get to judge them all?” The total shock of this caused Schwartz’ outburst.

“I do.”

“What does Satan have to say about that?”

God smiled knowingly. “There’s not much he can say is there? After all, I’m the one who created heaven and earth. Oh, he does a lot of screamin’ an’ yellin’ but really, it amounts to a hill o’ beans. He just does that to be a thorn in my side.”

“Holy crap!” Schwartz exploded. “That’s not what he said to me!” He was waiting for the voice in the kitchen but she obviously didn’t hear him or that didn’t count as a cuss word because it never came. Well, the news was out now – no question. Schwartz had got so excited that he just blurted out that he was an agent of the devil, so he figured the jig was up now.

Quite the contrary, God smiled warmly and told him how happy he was to have Schwartz in the family. It gave them the opportunity to get to know one another more intimately and air each other’s concerns.  

“You first,” said Schwartz, anxious to find what direction this was goin’ before commitin’ hisself.

Oh God - Part Eight

Oh God - Part Eight

Dinner proceeded jovially enough with casual conversation between mouthfuls. To all intents and purposes, it was a friendly family dinner. Well, except I noticed that Schwartz was a little more than uneasy. I knew he recognized the voice from the kitchen and that was cause for concern for him. That was the wife of old Nard Harks who was swinging between Hell an’ here like a yoyo because nobody wanted to deal with him. I was reluctantly feelin’ a little easier havin’ her on my team for once. If nothing else, she was bringing civility to the conversation. It was a perfect segue into my intended talk.

“If we aren’t goin’ to be civil in our language up here, how is anyone in the real world down there goin to learn civility?” I wanted to know. “Don’t you practice it down there in hell?”

“Oh, hell no,” was the reply.

“I heard that!” said the alto voice.

“Down there we say whatever we want, however it comes out. It’s called free speech. It’s everyone’s right!”

“That’s an interestin’ concept. Doesn’t that lead to hateful attitudes and conflict?”

“Of course, it does! That’s the whole idea! Let the offended parties defend themselves. Whoever is strongest will survive.” Schwartz was feeling confident now. He was makin’ some pretty good points in his (the devil’s) arguments. “It’d been like that ever since there was enough people around to be livin’ apart from one another. Not only that, but it was good business for hell, we was crankin’ them in like nobody’s business. It’s sort of like natural evolution, you know - survival of the fittest.” Schwartz realized too late that he’d overplayed his hand.

“Do the math,” said God, ignoring Schwartz’ mistake. “You’ll find it’s counter productive.”

“How so?” Schwartz wanted to know.

“Instead of supportin’ one another in their quest, they’re competin’ until there is only one left standin’.” Said God. “How’re ya gonna keep the population goin’ with only one person left? Ha - that reminds me of a human joke that wouldn’t be civil to repeat here.”

“Yeah, I know that one. I’m the one who made it up.”

Oh God - Part Seven

Part Seven

Oh, don’t kid yourself, there will be a final disaster, and it won’t be a kind one neither, or one that anybody can survive. But I’m not tellin’ what it is just yet ‘cause I ain’t gonna’ be the one to bring it about. One lousy slip up on my part an’ the whole business goes to hell in a handbasket - literally. It seems the “them” of ‘us an’ them’ have allowed their greed to get the best o’ them an’ now there’s an “Us an’ them” within the “Them” department fightin’ for supremacy. It’s a tussle between oil an’ money. Well, ya can’t drink oil an’ ya can’t eat money as they’ll find out sooner or later. Before ya know it, these ‘us an’ thems’ will split again until they’re all standin’ as individuals – isolated and alone. It’ll take ‘em a while to realize that but by then it’ll be too late. Well I suppose I’m alludin’ to where all this is gonna end, but suffice it to say it will surely come up for discussion at the next dinner meetin’.

Dinner was exceptionally tasty this time, delicious and fillin’, and the mood was no less exuberant. Schwartz, who I knew had been anticipatin’ this dinner so he could argue his points durin’ the discussion, had come a little early in anticipation of this “family” dinner.

“HOLY SHIT!” he started to exclaim, seein’ the delicious fare on the table, when a deep alto voice drifted authoritatively out of the kitchen.

“No cussin’,” it said. “This is a family dinner an’ we don’t allow that kind o’ language at the table.”

What the . . . they had spies all over, Schwartz thought. This wasn’t goin’ to be that easy. In the meantime, St. Peter rolled is eyes in disgust. How could that woman who was stone deaf hear what was goin on in the dinin’ room? He wouldn’t pursue it ‘cause he didn’t want to know. Well, Schwartz wanted to know, It was all he could do to keep from crawlin’ under the table to see what was hidden there. He’d have to be very careful if he was to win God over to the devil’s side.