Oh God - Part Fifteen

Oh God – Part Fifteen

            “It seems that out of all the creatures I created, mankind was about the only failure I had. Not a bad average I would say. Mankind was not really a failure as such, but I made him more complicated than I needed to. If only I hadn’t given him dominion over all the other creatures, he may well have been satisfied.”

            “Do you really think that was the thing that caused all this expansion?” asked Schwartz.

            He really wasn’t thinking about the time of creation, but more about the chaos that was going on in hell right now and what that would be like in the future when Satan was finally released and turned up the heat, and did he want to be part of that.  He was in a real turmoil about it. Here there was no shouting goin’ on. There were no insults bein’ flung back an’ forth an’ no screamin’ for first place. Oh, there was all kind of banter an’ discussion about every subject under the sun around the seemingly endless table, but it was all discreet an’ friendly like.

            “I kind o’ think I like it better here,” said Schwartz hopefully. “Do you think I might have a chance to stay?”

God laughed out loud. “That Schwartz, is entirely up to you. It’s not something I can determine ahead of time. I’ve told you that I will judge every soul within the universe. By the look of things it will be sooner than later. When I examine your very inner soul, I will decide.”

            “Aw crumb,” muttered Schwartz.

            “I don’t know what you’re fussin’ about Schwartz,” God commented, “you’ve known what’s right or wrong since you were a youngster, so it’s all on your head. I can’t help you with that. Well, I could, but I won’t.”

            Schwartz had nowhere to turn but inward. He wasn’t used to that. Up to now there was always somebody else to blame for his shortcomings, but now he’d have to face himself. It didn’t seem fair somehow. But he quickly realized that that’s how it was, so he’d better button down to reality. The one thing in his favor was his tenacity.

            Schwartz grew quiet. God, realizing what was going through his mind, moved on to address some of the others.

 

Oh God - Part Fourteen

Oh God – Part Fourteen

“They are so set in their ways and so attached to their ideas that they are prepared to overcome judgment day altogether. Their opinions are set to overrule anything I might confer upon them. It’s the usual; ‘We’ll deal with it when it comes up’ attitude’.

“You’ll judge them too?” asked Schwartz

“Absolutely. Every last one o’ them.”

“How about me?”

“Yep, you too.”

“HOLY CRAP!” Schwartz yelled suddenly, realizing that he too was under scrutiny. “How’m I doin’ so far?”

“Don’t push it Schwartz. You know very well what the rules of life are. You have to choose what course you want to pursue. I won’t do that for you.”

“Figures,” grumbled Schwartz.

“In fact”, continued God, “I was a bit worried about people taking over the universe, but I see now that they’ll never get there, so I won’t even put my plans into action. Let the chips fall where they may.”

“Maybe you could explain that to me,” said Schwartz.

“Easy,” answered God. “Firstly, they’re so busy makin’ up a new language using acronyms, they themselves don’t understand the language, not that it makes any difference since they’re so busy yellin’ at one another, nobody’s got time to listen to anybody but themselves. Secondly and more importantly, they’re busy tryin’ new things an’ doin’ new stuff with every aspect of my green earth an’ they don’t take account of how it was made in the first place.”

“How does that affect anythin’” Schwartz asked.

“Manipulation of one part directly affects the reaction of another,” God explained patiently. “It’s like cause and effect – well in fact, it is cause and effect. You know, if a man speaks in the middle of a forest where no one can hear – is he still wrong?” God chuckled at his own joke. “Of course he is. Just ask his wife.”

“Huh?”

“Well that’s a bad example, but it serves to highlight what really happens. If I tell a funny story, you smile.  If a man drives his car, the carbon emissions create clouds of carbon monoxide in the sky and pollute the atmosphere. If you clear cut a forest, the ground becomes unstable, causin’ landslides. Misuse of water supplies causes the dryin’ – up o’ lakes an’ rivers. I could go on an’ on.”

Oh God - Part Thirteen

Oh God = Part Thirteen

“It is really nice Schwartz,” commented God rather deliberately, “that you and I can sit here at the dinner table and casually discuss all the world’s problems in a friendly and relaxed manner without rancor or blame. Best thing I ever did was to make this family dinner table. It’s a good job Jesus was such a good carpenter. He put a lot more in it than just wood.”

Schwartz could feel it too. There was a genuine warmth around the table, inviting friendship and a sense of belonging. He’d never felt that at Satan’s place. Oh, there was lots of partying, screaming and yelling going on but somehow it felt cold. It was like everyone was trumpeting their own importance, trying to outdo the others. Well you couldn’t blame them. It was the only way to get ahead. You had to trumpet your own importance louder and more often than anybody else. What was that saying: ‘The squeaky wheel gets the grease’? Of course, they didn’t have to do that any more but they were so accustomed to it, they couldn’t quit. The noise and chaos was enough to give even Schwartz a supreme headache.  Sitting here with God and the others was enough to cause him to want to abandon his former boss. “Whatever happened to Purgatory for those people in hell? Aren’t they supposed to be asleep?” said Schwartz.

“They had a choice. They could either go to sleep until judgment day, or carry on with their antics. They are obviously beyond redemption, come judgment day.”

“Oh,” commented Schwartz. “How did I get here then?

“You’ll notice that this is a pretty big table. It’s almost endless. There are some pretty big sinners sitting at it who thought they’d try out our side of things and have come to prefer it. But you are a special project of Satan’s. He sent you here to disrupt my concerns about human behaviour. He’s such a jackass that it never occurred to him you might prefer the sanctity of a dinner table where family and reason prevail, much as some of the others.”

Schwartz looked around and sure enough the table seemed almost endless. The multitude of people around it was varied. They certainly weren’t all angels, that was for sure. Yet they were all comfortably conversing with one another, thoroughly at home in this environment. “So, what’s with the people partying an’ dancin’ an’ yellin’ their stupid heads off in hell? What about them?” he pondered almost absently.

“Oh, those are people who sold their souls to the devil. They bypassed purgatory altogether and went straight to hell. There’s not much chance for them to be ransomed outa there.”

“Hm,” said Schwartz.

Oh God - Part 12

Oh God – Part Twelve

“It gets right back to humans tryin’ to figure out the secrets of my universe so they can go do it themselves. I know exactly what they’re up to. Once they think they’ve completed the task, they’ll proclaim themselves as masters of the universe having dominion over me as well, which means you and Satan too.”

“Oh my God, I never thought o’ that!”, exclaimed Schwartz.

“Well you see what will happen if it gets into the wrong hands,” continued God. “Them lawyers an’ engineers an’ architects are all on the same page, it seems. Some economics professor talked them into believin’ that they must operate on an adversarial system; said it was the best way to get the most outa the least. What do you think o’ that?”

“I think that’s a good theory. That way everybody gets to submit their arguments and the one that can be best defended wins the day.”

“When you think about it, one wins the day an’ all the others lose it. How good do you think that’ll go over? If you ask me, it’ll still be adversarial.”

“But they’ll have to live with it, won’t they?” said Schwartz.

“Ha ha ha,” laughed God in a loud guffaw.

Schwartz had to smile. He knew that God was right. He was always right. He was after all. . . . God.

Oh God - Part Eleven

Oh God – Part Eleven

“I think it started with Noah buildin’ that big boat. There was so much fuss an’ bother with it, everybody squealin’ this an’ that, advisin’ him this way an the other, I guess it somehow stuck with the people on board. Them daughters o’ his was no angels neither ya know. They probably took them sounds an’ started yappin’ away until it became a language. Well once ya get that far, their ain’t no end in site.”

“I heard that!” boomed  the alto voice from the kitchen.

“See what I mean?” commented God.

“Mm,” grunted Schwartz.

“What would you think,” asked God, “if I took them right back to the time when they were all mute, couldn’t make a sound?”

“Human kind would never survive!”

“Oh, they could – they did in fact. Only they got lazy when they found they could make noises, an have been workin on it ever since. That’s not how I intended it. I thought I made it clear in the Tower of Babel incident. But obviously, they were so fixated on sayin’ words, they just wouldn’t shut up. Now they’ve run outa words so they start makin’ stuff up, like acronyms. That won’t do Schwartz, it just won’t do!”

“I wouldn’t worry about it God,” said Schwartz casually, “they’ll figure it out. If anything, people are pretty smart at getting’ to where they want.”

“Now you’ve hit the nail on the head Schwartz!” replied God. “They’ll keep at it ‘til they can get back to figurin’ out the universe.”

What’s wrong with that?” Schwartz wanted to know.