The NHL gots the Mumps

The NHL gots the Mumps!

 

Now there’s a story worth tellin’! Finally somethin’ o’ substance outta the NHL. THEY GOT THE MUMPS! Well not all o’ them, but some o’ them anyways, even Sidney Crosby! It’s a good job they got separate dressin’ rooms or they’d all have ‘em. They might still all get ‘em too, what with all that body checkin’ goin’ on in the games.

I got this picture in my mind o’ them guys whizzin’ round the ice runnin’ at one another an’ spittin’ on their opponents’ sweaters or gloves INSTEAD of hittin’ ‘em. Now that would provide a whole new dimension to the game. Suddenly all that hittin’ an’ body checkin’ an’ fightin’ would disappear – instantly, an’ get rid of concerns about concussions at the same time.

Who’d a ever thought that there’s a medical solution to the violence in sports? Now if they would only go an’ spit on Gary Bettman, he might get the message too! I’m just kinda sorry that the old wives’ tale that mumps in adult males will turn them all into eunuchs is just an old wives’ tale more or less. We could’a had six man barber shop singers vyin’ for the Stanley cup instead o’ them hard hittin’ fightin’ goons on the ice. Imagine a musical Toronto Maple Leafs team. Well, it’s a nice fantasy.

Let’s face it. The game an’ the people who play it are far different than they were in the days of Jean Beliveau whose funeral this week pays tribute to one of the giants of the game and a giant among roll models for young people an’ even older ones to follow. These buggers deserve to get the mumps with swollen cheeks an’ other parts, what with the way they play the game anyways.

But I digress. How hard can it be to design a medication to inoculate all them players before game time. Just the very idea that they’d be singin’ harmony to their fans instead of fightin’ an’ body checkin’ would put the fear of the Lord into them goons on the various teams. What they could do is put some o’ them germs in the Zamboni an’ spread ‘em over the ice before a game. That ought’a do it!

Well listen, no matter how you slice it, it would be some good entertainment to see them big players whizzin’ around the ice with their puffy cheeks an’ oversized jock straps tryin’ to play hockey. At least that’s how it seems to me from up here on the top shelf.

Just sayin’.